Where in the World is My Prince?

"I have countries and counties and physical bounties, and orchards of orchids and quince. I have barrels of rubies and breathtaking boobies, but where in the world is my prince?"

Okay, well, unlike the heroine singing this Jerry Herman tune, I don't have most of those things, but still, I find myself pondering this question much more frequently lately. It seems like everyone I know is either getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant or having babies. And then there's me, who can't even get a boyfriend. Well, okay, I guess that's wrong. I COULD get a boyfriend, but I just haven't found anyone that I like enough to date seriously... well, no, I take that back too. Every guy who seems to really like me, I can't see a future with for a myriad of huge reasons. And every guy I really like either doesn't realize (or care) that I exist, or he runs incredibly hot and cold-- at first, it seems like he's interested, and then... nothing. And unfortunately, there's never a happy medium: both of us equally into each other.

Let me tell you, it's all getting pretty lonely.

I certainly don't begrudge any of my friends their happiness. I mean, really, what kind of a friend does that? And it's not that I don't want to hear about all the exciting events going on in peoples lives. Of course I do! I love when people post their updates on Facebook or share pictures of their weddings or their adorable little ones. I smile, I comment happily, I feel a vicarious thrill. But then, deep in the pit of my stomach, there is a little niggling feeling that is growing increasingly more prominent as the weeks and months and years pass by.

I've never been one of those people who is perfectly content being single. It's not that I don't feel whole without a boyfriend or a husband, or that my life simply cannot be complete without a man by my side. Please. I'm a stronger person than that. I have a good family, a great extended family, co-workers who I like and get along with and lots of good friends. Not a tight circle of best friends, or even one best friend, per say, but lots of people in my life who care. I am not without love in many shapes and forms.

But I have always wanted to get married. I've always wanted a family. From a very young age, that's just always how I've pictured my life: wife, mother... and of course, actress, but I just figured that they would all go hand in hand. I mean, people do it all the time, right? I wouldn't have to pick one over the other. I never dreamed, though, that at this point in my life, I would be very steadily single, not to mention have no kids, and that I would be acting, but not necessarily successful at it. Working, yes, but not always consistently and not always at the top theaters or in top roles. I'm not complaining about that-- I'm happy to work hard to carve out a name for myself and to make my way up the ladder, step by step. I just thought I might have been a few rungs higher by now.

There's an old saying that says, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans". Or maybe it's not so old-- I've seen it attributed to Woody Allen in places, but nevertheless, it's true. But it's not like I actually set those kinds of goals for myself: to be married by 25, to have my first kid at 27, my second at 29 and to win the Tony at 30. I mean, sure, it would have been nice if things had worked out that way, but plans? No. I mean, an actress has a non-traditional career path. How could I possibly have reasonably expected something like LIFE to work on a tightly scripted time table?

But I think I'm a pretty decent person. People have told me that I'm attractive. I don't necessarily believe them, but it has been said. People have told me that I'm funny. I'm not going to be joining the Second City troop any time soon, but I have been known to make the occasional person laugh. I'm a smart girl. I'm not trying to brag or anything, just trying to say that I can hold intelligent conversations about socially relevant matters-- politics and the state of the world and religion and such. I'm no expert, but I can hold my own. So then... what's wrong with me? If all of that is true, why can't I find anyone to share my life with? Why haven't I even come relatively close?

My parents keep telling me that maybe I'm too picky. I don't necessarily think that's true-- I mean, there's a difference between being picky and knowing what you want, knowing what you need. And there's also a difference between picky and being perceptive.

I'm not the type of girl who values looks over everything-- over anything, really. I don't have a laundry list of physical qualities my Mr. Right should have-- over 6 foot, blonde hair, blue eyed, chiseled abs, perfect smile... I also don't have a laundry list of things he shouldn't have or shouldn't be. I'm not going to not date someone because he's shorter than me or because he's scrawny, not brawny.

That's not to say I don't have some standards, or some things that I feel I need in a relationship. But I don't think they're asking too much: intelligence, sincerity, kindness, a sense of humor, personal strength... that he be somewhat near my age and not old enough to be my father. I don't want to date anyone who gives me the willies, who the minute I look at him sends a chill (not a thrill) down my spine. And that doesn't mean anything at all about his looks-- if something a guy does or says creeps me out, if there's something in his demeanor that's just... off... But that's about gut instinct, not pickiness.

And I think I'm a pretty good judge of character, so I can tell the difference between nerves and creepy. I'm not so good at telling the difference between a chronic flatterer and sincerity, but that's another story. And I can tell when a guy is just not right for me. That's not to mean he's not a nice guy, that I wouldn't want him as a friend. It just means that there's no future for us romantically.

If a guy is a milquetoast, I'll end up walking all over him. He'll never stand up to me, never tell me when I'm wrong. That's not to say I want someone controlling, because that's just about the biggest turn off there is and the quickest way to make me run far far away. And not that I need someone head-butting everything I say every two seconds, but I need someone who is strong enough to let me be who I am, but rein me in when I need to be reined in. Because, let's face it: I can sometimes be headstrong and... dare I say it... stubborn. I need someone who is not afraid to call me on it, someone who is not afraid to defend me in public, but tell me privately when I'm wrong.

If we can't hold a conversation without long, gaping black holes of silence every two seconds because we can't find anything to talk about beyond 'How was your day?', that's not going to work either.

And if he says something offensive on a first date and can't understand why what he said might possibly have put me off... well, need I say more?

Again, though: picky or prudent?

And I'm not going to date just for the sake of dating, like some have suggested. Yes, it's good to get out there, to get some experience, but if I honestly know in my heart of hearts that a guy is not for me, why am I going to keep seeing him? Because that's just unfair to him. That, to me, is leading someone on. And I don't want to be the type of girl who continues going out with a guy because he's there and he's willing, but she's just waiting for someone better to come along. If I choose to continue seeing someone, I want it to be because I honestly feel that we might have a chance together.

So, here I remain, waiting for my own personal Prince Charming to come along. And I keep thinking that he will, that I don't necessarily need to go out and 'search' because I do honestly believe in the idea of a soulmate, of someone being your 'other half', of there being one right person out there for everyone, that two people who are destined for each other will somehow cross paths. Maybe I'm not doing myself any favors by falling for the fairy tale notion that we will just find each other someday. Maybe I do need to actively 'look' for him. Maybe his GPS is broken. But somehow, the idea of online dating just seems a little... contrived. I mean, how many people are on those dating sites? Just a small fraction of the single population. What if my other half thinks those sites are as dubious as I do? What if he hasn't gotten desperate enough yet to create a profile? And I'll admit-- I've tried them. Not for any extended length of time at all, but I haven't exactly gotten the most thrilling results. How many more blase profiles do I need to look through before making an actual love connection-- if there is any actual internet love connection to even be had?

And so many people tell me that when I stop thinking about it, stop looking for it, love will come my way. That it's happened this way for so many people. That when people give up their search and resign themselves to being single, their one and only falls right into their lap. Well, if that's the way things work out... I may be doomed. You see, I'm not the type to lose hope, to relinquish a dream, to resign myself to anything. I'm tenacious (Stubborn, remember?). I simply don't want to give up. Ever. Because by giving up... a little piece of me will just die inside. The piece of me that believes I am worthy of that one single relationship we all hope to find more than any other in life.

And I just can't let myself do that. Because I do think I'm worthy. We all are, no matter what other people might tell us or indicate to us... no matter what we might tell ourselves.

So, if you happen to come across a nice, intelligent, funny, non-milquetoast, non-creepy knight in shining armor whose GPS has run out of batteries... send him my way, will you? I'll still be waiting.