Artsy Fartsies

One of my teachers has consistently told me during my blue times that "artsy fartsies" are the people who get rejected the most, due to the very nature of our careers, and yet, we are the people who feel the pain of rejection the deepest. We take things to heart, the hearts we wear our on our sleeves.

Nothing could be more true.

I have become accustomed to rejection-- after all, I am an actress. People think that actors and actresses' jobs are working in their preferred medium, but really, auditioning is the job. The project you get is the payoff, the icing on the cake. In good times, I would be going on 3 to 4 auditions a week, maybe even more. In current times, when theatres are cutting budgets and tending to cast more within their 'pools' rather than holding auditions, that number is significantly less, and because of that, the auditions become even more valuable. Not only that, but as I have progressed in my career, I've stopped auditioning for anything and everything that comes along, but have become more choosy about what I go out for, auditioning only for the projects that look like they would really be a good fit for me, personally or professionally, and most importantly, the things that I really WANT to spend my time on.

That means the rejection is all the harder. Not only am I being rejected, I am being rejected from the things I most want to do.

I'm not complaining-- I know that this is the life I've chosen for myself and the rejection just comes along with the territory. And I can handle it. Really, I can. I am a big believer in the saying, 'Everything happens for a reason'. And I do believe that. It's just that sometimes... the reason isn't all that apparent. And sometimes, it doesn't matter if there's a reason for what happens; it just plain sucks.

I don't get blue about losing parts all that often. That's because I try to remind myself that there are other things around the bend. Another audition next week. Another show that's coming up that I want to do. But sometimes, when I have no auditions on the immediate horizon, when there are no other shows going up in the near future that I am interested in, when I lose a show that I love, or a role that I'm dying to play, or when it's a production that I would sell my soul to the devil to be in... I get in a total funk when things don't go my way. And even though I know that I must have some modicum of talent-- I've done professional theatre, I get called in for good shows with good companies based on things they've seen me do-- I admit... I start to doubt myself.

And I know that I shouldn't. I know that I shouldn't let the business get to me like that. After all, I chose to live this crazy life. It was my decision, and I knew what I was getting myself into when I started down this path. But I can't help it. It does get to me. Does that mean that I ever consider quitting? No. Absolutely not. That's because performing is my life- I eat, sleep and breathe it. It's what I love to do more than anything. It defines me. And without it-- if something ever happened where I couldn't do it anymore-- I would be completely lost. I will feel like I have lost my identity. But I let it get into my head and I start to wonder, "What's wrong with me?" It becomes personal, even though so much of what goes on in the casting process, I know, isn't.

I let it hurt me more than it probably should. I get a case of what Holly Golightly called "The Mean Reds". I lock myself in my room. I either don't eat or eat too much (usually the latter). There is usually a significant amount of crying and an even more significant amount of moping. I sleep. I don't want to talk to anyone and if my family dares try to ask me questions or even worse, hold a conversation, I snap at them. Basically, it's like a major bout of depression. I don't know how long it will last, but it makes going about my day to day life a chore. It's an effort to drag myself out of the solace of my room to do the things that need to be done, like going to work or to a doctors appointment or whatever may be on my to-do list. I basically go into mourning. It's stupid, I know. To get depressed about something that to most people, seems so trivial. But to us artsy fartsies, one blow like that can feel like the whole world has come crashing down around us.

And that feeling lasts for awhile, sometimes a few days, sometimes longer. And then it's over. I move on. If I wasn't always able to do that at some point, I would start to think that I had major problems and needed some professional help. But somehow, something always comes along that pulls me up, even if it's just the ability to finally shift my mindset from 'poor me' to 'I'll show you.' I'll work harder, I'll climb the ladder, I'll be important someday. Someday, I'll prove to you that I'm good enough. Sometimes, that's all I have to get me through the mean red periods. The thought of the future, of what I want to be, of where I want to be, of what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Sometimes, it really sucks to feel so deeply. My lows are really low, but on the other hand, my highs are really high. Because my emotions run so deep, I am able to empathize well with other people. I can be a good sounding board for my friends and my family during their rough times because I can put myself in their shoes and really understand what they're going through. It probably makes me a much better actress and a much better writer because I am able to pour all that emotion into the characters I create on the stage and on the page.

But at times like these, it just makes me ache all over.

Boy, I guess it's a good thing I don't date very much, isn't it? All these artsy fartsy highs and lows wading though the murky waters of the dating pool...